I was born in 1986 to a young woman who did not want me. 11 months later my brother Josh was born and shortly after, out birth mother placed us in foster care. For years I lived with numerous families in many unhealthy environments. At 6 years old, I was finally adopted by Jere and Julie White. Jere and Julie became the first mom and dad I had ever known and their unconditional love was overwhelming. However, it wasn’t enough, at that time, to undo all the rejection and anger I felt towards my birth mother and even my birth father for taking off before I was even born. At 6 I accepted Christ as my personal Savior.
Growing up I struggled with the concept of adoption because I saw what my birth mother had done as “rejection”. I figured if the woman who had given birth to me didn’t want me, then why in the world would anyone else want me–Jesus included. I knew that Jesus loved me and all the other Christian clichés, but I truly struggled with understanding how Jesus could love me. I did not understand how a mother could give up her child. I did not understand when people told me that my birth mother giving me up was actually an act of LOVE. I hated hearing that. All through high school I saw Christian counselors, all telling me the same thing: Jesus LOVES you and YOU DONT HAVE TO EARN IT. I wore a blanket of rejection everywhere I went. It was visible in the way I spoke, the way I acted, the way I treated people. I hated myself, felt worthless, abandoned and rejected. When I thought about Jesus I could never understand the concept of His Fatherly love. I didn’t understand how Jesus loved ME! I ached to understand it. I craved what I saw other people living in under His Spirit of Adoption.
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It wasn’t until 2005 while I was in Track 1 of the Fire in the Night Internship at the International House of Prayer that God finally got a hold of my heartstrings and I began to let Him draw me towards His fathering heart.
At the beginning of the internship there was a “class” called Inner Healing where the interns were put through intense time with God to work through past hurts. The first day was extremely hard for me as we were dealing with the “Mother Wound”. Until that day whenever I thought about my birth mother I thought of 2 words: Rejection and Abandonment. That day, with Amanda Beattie, praying over me for a long time I cried out to God for Him to lavish His love on me and help me forgive my birth mother. It was a process but within 6 months of the internship I left a different person. The Lord had finally gotten a hold of my heartstrings and He had a tight grip. I began to view adoption, in general, as one of the single greatest acts of love. I began to view God differently. I was able to accept His love for me as unconditional, as intense and powerful. I began to feel His Spirit of Fatherly Adoption over me. I began to see Christ in a whole different lens. I no longer just viewed Him as Savior, but I began to view Him as my Father-one who LOVED ME, the One who would never reject, abandon or pass me by. Through the lens of Christ as my Father I was also able to forgive my birth mother for giving me up. After 20 years I felt free of anger towards her. I finally realized that if my birth mother had kept me my life would have been a crazy mess and I probably would not have met Christ. I would not have the AMAZING parents I was blessed with. My birth mother gave me up performing a great act of LOVE for my brother and I.
Being adopted has made my relationship with Christ one of deep love. Because of the unconditional love my adopted parents showed me and their constant prayer I have been able to see God as having adopted me into His family. When a child is adopted, it is because they are wanted by the family they are being adopted into. I came to understand the same with Christ. God loved me and CHOSE me for His family, I was chosen, not a mistake. Trust was always an issue for me but after I was adopted as a child I was always able to remember that just as I am able to trust my earthly parents I can also trust my Heavenly Father to watch over me and take care of me.
In the last couple of years, since FITN, God has continued to draw me closer to His Fathering Heart and to show me His love. I still have days where it is hard to accept His love but when I doubt it, I pray and ask Him to shower me with His love afresh. He is so faithful and I know He will complete the work He has started in me!
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